Why My Generation Refuses To "Settle Down"

In this overly expressive, socially addicted, commitment-phobic culture we live in, we are practically killing the idea of ‘settling down’. I’m sure you’ve heard of the term ‘settling down’, which basically means getting married and committing to a stable, mature relationship. The term ‘settle’ isn’t really used in the best light, and usually when someone says they’re settling it’s never a great thing – it’s the thing you have to do because it is the left-over option. It’s almost as if settling down is the beginning of the end of your life and this perspective is very common amongst men (and boys); marriage is boring and commitment requires effort and consistency – basically adulting at its finest.

Outside of the people who view relationships and marriage this way, there are those who are very open to the idea of marriage. There are entire generations who have thrived and built their lives around this – take our parents and grandparents generation for example. Their entire metric of success was adhering to settling down. 

Many of them married in their early 20s, had kids in their early 20s and adulting pretty much started from adolescence. Marriage was always seen to be a gateway to building a successful life, so being single as an adult meant you were at a disadvantage. This view seems very extreme now, but this is where most of the pressure from our older family members comes from.

People are coming to terms with the issues in this idea and 30 isn’t what it used to be!

My generation of young adults have had time to grow into their role of adulthood – you don’t have to be 20 and get married with children on the way. The education system is keeping us busy enough up until 21 years old and then after that, we’re on our own to figure out what tax means, how to save and where we find love. But once you reach 25, I believe that’s when adulthood really starts to kick in and that’s when we start challenging our former ideologies, ‘settling down’ being one of them.

For a long time 30 has been the prime age to have everything in life sorted, however, people are coming to terms with the issues in this idea and 30 isn’t what it used to be! Part of the reason this idea carried so much fear was due to the fact women were told their fertility rate plummets as soon as they reach 30. Though this may be true, women aren’t tied to that objective anymore – our sole purpose as women isn’t to only have babies. 

Both heterosexual and non-heteronormative relationships or marriages don’t require children for them to be successful. On the spectrum of adulthood, 30 is still in the early years so why are we pressurising ourselves to get it all sorted by then?

Women’s independence has been a changing force in society: we work, we build, we lead, and we make decisions that benefit us. Marriage used to be the main tool women had to use in order to have income, a household or any small level of stability in life, but now that women do everything men can, does marriage even benefit women anymore? Women are becoming CEOs, entrepreneurs and there is a rise in the number of women leading the workforce across the globe, so in terms of finances and stability, we’ve got that covered. But with all the achievements that women have, settling down into a marriage can still come with sacrifices that women aren’t willing to make yet. The workplace is only accommodating to a certain point when it comes to things like family life and children, and as women are already at a disadvantage to men when it comes to pay, many of us want to build ourselves up in the world before we make long-term commitments like that.

Also, while social media has made different types of men much more accessible, it doesn’t necessarily mean the calibre of men has risen. We have raised the bar in our relationships standards so even though there are more choices for women in the love market, they are being more selective than ever before. But maybe that’s also to our downfall, is too much choice making us too picky and unrealistic with our expectations?

As it currently stands, the dating scene is all over the place. There is so much flexibility and fluidity in dating, relationships and marriage as a whole, that people don’t need to be in committed relationships to reap the benefits of one. Marriage isn’t the access card to sex as it once was, and this definitely has its benefits as people aren’t tied down and there are choices to engage with people on different levels. But, if everyone is in a friends-with-benefits, ‘situationship’, casual dating or open relationship, or a long-term relationship – is there any point in settling for marriage? And to put it plainly: it’s too expensive to get married. Despite many glamourous weddings flooding the Instagram timeline, for many people having a financially sustainable household, let alone a luxurious wedding, is just too expensive. The housing market is in shambles, living costs are extremely high and with the addition of future childcare costs, the likelihood of not going in debt or losing your sanity is slim. These all make a long-term commitment like marriage seem expensive and stressful, while ‘situationships’ and casual dating seem more affordable and convenient.

There are just far too many reasons as to why our generation are killing the settle down culture. I doubt there is any room to go back now, but what I do think is great, is the way women are evolving and leading the way relationships are shaped in our current climate. It may not be the most ideal situation and the standards we are expecting from men may be way above 100%, but don’t you think we deserve it? Marriage in general is on the decline and it is estimated that nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce, so maybe there could be said that there is something our generation isn't doing quite right, but I think that the fact that we are taking our time into making these lifelong decisions, is a step in the right direction.